ANDREW CREMEANS' NATIONAL DECREES

Since becoming the leader of this planet, I'm changing a few rules around here. The following "Andy National Decrees" are to be followed, lest you be whipped with a wet noodle. Why are they "National Decrees" when I rule the entire planet? Because I make the rules around here Jerky, stop asking questions...

 

Andy National decree 643: Oct. 3, 2004 marks the official last day that the "Robot" (a breakdancing move in which people move like robots) is no longer funny, hip or allowed. Commercials will no longer be able to include this dance move, for it is no longer welcome.

Andy National decree 131: The mullet, which was all the rage in the late 80's has officially gone from cool, to uncool, to ridiculous, to kinda funny, to fun to make fun of to…acceptable? There are an alarming number of mullets popping up, and even worse, complacency about them. From henceforth, all men wearing mullets shall be shorn and given a copy of "Things that have happened since 1988" to catch them up on things.

1986? Fine. 2004? Stay an inch or two out of kicking distance.

Andy National Decree 487: Macy Gray needs to go away, far away. She shall be transported to somewhere that I will not know the location of, other than being extremely far away. She will be allowed to send CDs to her fans on a subscription basis. But not to advertise. She sucks.

Andy National Decree 784: Even though my entire childhood surrounded it and all of my fond young memories were results of it. I officially declare on September 26th, 2004, that the 80's are over. 10 years ago I dreamed of how cool it would be to have an all 80's music station. 2 years ago it happened and I'm afraid to say that it took until 2002 for me to get violently sick of hearing "Tainted Love." And/Or "She blinded Me with Science."
And even worse, the toys such as Transformers and G.I. Joes that shaped me into person I am today have been reduced to retarded images on the T-shirts on young teenagers that weren't even alive when this stuff came out. (See National Decree: 678)

Davenpoe National Decree 201: Clowns...not really all that scary. From this day fourth, anyone who jumps on the "clowns are scary" bandwagon in lieu of actually being an interesting person shall be pelted with cream pies and crammed with their cohorts into an extra tiny car.

Andy National Decree 324: Any person caught purchasing or selling T-shirts that do not represent the properties they hope to benefit from, for example: A Superman T-shirt in which the "S" is made out of camouflage, a Spiderman shirt in which Spidey is wearing a hat backwards and is housing his pants, or Yoda saying "Pull my finger." Shall have said shirt shoved up their butt.

What in THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

Andy National Decree 869: Although I thought this was taken care of in 1983, as of 2004, the movie Scarface is now officially declared "Not as Exciting as People Think it Is." You'd think with the amount of merchandise this movie was a Star Wars or something, have you people watched this piece of crap lately? The movie SUCKS! If you're excited about people being shot and funny accents, there are 7,000 others to choose from, that's just Scorsese's films!

Andy National Decree 238: Just because its Japanese doesn't mean it's the best thing since sliced bread. Could you reverse the role here for one second? Do you think Japanese people are buying New Kids on the Block Albums and plastering their cars with it just because its American?

Tattoo probably says "American Jackass. If he only knew"

Davenpoe National Decree 421: The golden rule is "monkeys are funny." And this is true. But monkeys are not a substitution for funny. T-shirts, bumper stickers, undies, and all the throwaway gags on Nick Toons, ...it's time to call it a day. And no, putting the word "evil" in a phrase with "monkey" doesn't make it better.

Andy National Decree 678: From henceforth shall no preteen or teenager be allowed to wear a T-shirt representing "The Misfits" The Ramones" "Iron Maiden" "Transformers" "G.I. Joe" and related properties unless that child can name at least 2 songs from each band and or 2 characters from each show. If it is proven that said child cannot perform that duty, he/she shall be given a T-shirt appropriate to his/her age, like Linkin Park or Barney the Dinosaur.

"Like... Oh my God, I only love three things in this world, and that's ...going shopping in the mall, ...ink pens that smell like different fruit flavors, ...and the dark metal punk lyrics of the Misfits."

Davenpoe National Decree 627: Hey...if you own a T-shirt that says "Porn Star" and you've never actually been paid to do the deed on video for distribution and sale, then you're a poser, you lack self esteem and you need to be ashamed of yourself. If you have in fact, been paid to do the deed on video for distribution and sale, then you only lack self esteem and should be shamed of yourself. But no one can call you a poser.

Andy National Decree 136: From this point on, anyone running for public office will have a review 2 years after being elected. If said official has not performed at least 70% of his campaign promises, he will be removed from office, and elections will be held. I don't think that is unreasonable at all.

Andy National Decree 798: Basset Hounds now replace Bald Eagle as the American symbol. Why you say? I told you to stop asking questions. They shall be given control of the pentagon, and given Chips Ahoy! cookies for being good boys.

Secret Undercover CIA Operative Agent 713 on a case in the Philippines.

Andy National Decree 908: The term "Goth" can no longer be used as a nice way to say a girl is fat. Just as, a fat girl can no longer use the excuse of being "Goth" to explain being over weight. You cant hide 90 extra pounds by putting on extra black eyeliner. If you're overweight, be HAPPY! Stop being so melancholy, you get to eat whatever you want!

Alright, was that rude? I can never tell.

Andy National decree 590: Every man, woman, and child shall be fitted with a video camera and their own cable channel, thus giving the illusion that they are on a reality T.V. show and everyone will act like their life is terribly important. Oversaturation is the only way we will get this 'reality' kick off the air. 4 hours of Fernando the custodian will have people begging for the return of good sitcoms.

Andy National decree 650: Life is full of unanswered questions...but anyone caught asking ridiculously old and trite questions such as "Why do people drive on parkways and park on driveways" or "If a fly didn't have wings would it be called a walk" for an attempt at drawing a laugh in their direction as if they are smart enough to think of this on their own shall be flown to France and left.

Andy National Decree 944: From this day forth, radio stations will have to survive without the help of Led Zepplin and AC/DC. Just in Tampa alone, there are no less than 4 radio stations, 101.5, 97.9, 102.5 and 103.5 that play these bands on a perpetual loop. AC/DC and Led Zepplin don't even like AC/DC and Led Zepplin anymore, for the love of God, STOP IT!

Andy National Decree 509: No one shall be given permission henceforth to wear T-shirts to music concerts that do not match the band performing. For example, If one is caught wearing a 'Bon Jovi' T-shirt to a 'Megadeth' concert. Or a 'Warrant' T-shirt to an 'Anthrax' concert. This rule applies to all bands at all concerts with one exception: 'Metallica' shirts are the Khaki pants of rock n' roll concerts, they can fit with anything.

Andy National Decree 119: People who use terms like "I would like to set up a 'good dialogue' with my son" or any of this crap pop culture psychobabble that makes people think they are in touch with their inner psychiatrist because they saw it on Dr. Phil will be throttled and brought to a better understanding of "Self."

Andy National Decree 419: Anyone caught driving past all the people who have been waiting to merge traffic and then have the audacity to put their blinker on at the very end, will have their doors automatically locked from the outside and the engine removed from their vehicle, to sit and ponder the error of their ways.

Andy National Decree 97: Anyone who talks at full volume during a movie in the theater shall have their voice box removed by which method shall be chosen by those who are directly effected.

More to follow....