December 15, 2017
 Posted by admin

Andy’s Spoileriffic Review of “The Last Jedi” (Read At Your Own Risk)

“I at one point had to say to Rian (Johnson, Director,) ‘I pretty much fundamentally disagree with every choice you’ve made for this character…’”

– Mark Hamill

You guys know me. I’m the Star Wars guy. It’s kinda my thing. I love everything about it, I love the story, the characters, even the hype and all the toys and merchandise. I have for 40 years.

(I will even excuse large portions of the prequels just because they made me feel like a kid again.)
I had such extremely high hopes for this movie. I love Rian Johnson, I love the cast. I even love the new characters that Episode 7 established. I’ve been working on toy products for Episode 8 for a little while. I was READY for this. I was 100% on board with whatever they decided.

I have to say that while I was enjoying myself while it happened, the second I stood up after the movie, my opinion of ‘The Last Jedi’ started declining sharply.

I’m at a point now, 24 hours later I’m kinda …sad about it.

(And it’s not even because of the Porgs. I can handle the Porgs.)

UPDATE: 5 Days later I’m totally confused on how I feel. I WANT to love it. I think it was beautifully made, and a solid movie. I’m just still sad on how they have treated all the OT characters. I’m sure that I will be accused of nerd rage, but it all boils down to the fact that these were all my heroes growing up.

Kylo says “You have to let go of the past.” and I think he was talking to the audience because Rian Johnson proceeds to take a blowtorch to the previous movies.

It’s a well made movie,  but it sharply reminded me a few things…

1. Everything that has made me a Star Wars fan has been deconstructed in the last two movies.

The Star Wars movies to me were always about light versus dark. You want to be on the good guy’s side because when good wins, tyranny falls. Being in the light side is hard, but it’s worth the fight.

In the Original Trilogy, we are with our heroes for 3 movies and by end of Return of the Jedi:

– The Rebels won,
– Luke was a Jedi and it’s implied he will train a whole future of Jedi,
– Leia and Han were happy and will soon have kids, everything seems like it is going to be ok.
– The Empire has fallen. Death Star is gone, Emperor is dead, Vader is redeemed, but also dead.

– The New Hope triumphs with the help of his good guy friends.

We kids on Earth grow up knowing that sometimes the good guys win.

Fast forward 40 years and now we find out that:

– The Rebels won for like 20 minutes, The First Order took over
– Han and Leia are separated, Han is basically a deadbeat dad, killed by his own son
– Luke almost killed his own nephew instead of dealing with the major problem, then gave up on helping anyone in the universe including his own sister. Because of that, planets were destroyed.
– The Empire just has a new name
– R2 D2 is too depressed to even function
– Luke spends 5 minutes saying Jedi were vain and bad for the universe.

So, uuuh…. why should we root for the Jedi in ‘Clone Wars’ and all the prequels now?

Why would we want Luke to be a Jedi (like his father before him) in ROTJ?

Why is it good to be a Jedi anymore? Since apparently it was all ‘vanity and all useless religion.’

Pretty much everything we had hope for in 1983 is gone.

It’s implied that all this “light side and dark side” stuff is old ways of thinking.
The same people that sold the weapons to the First Order sold them to the Resistance.
“Don’t join a side.” says DJ.

2. Everyone is a Nobody, Nobody is Important and Everything is Useless

– Snoke, turns out, is nobody special and got killed unspectacularly.
– Rey’s parents are nobody and sold her for drinking money.
– Snoke calls Kylo’s helmet “RIDICULOUS”
– The GRAND FINALE of the the end of Force Awakens, (with Rey handing Luke his lightsaber) one of the best scenes of the new movies, is dismissed immediately. He tosses over his shoulder like a slapstick comedy.
– Yoda loved younglings. That was his thing. Shouldn’t he have shown up to help Luke train the new batch? He could have shown up to talk to Luke when he was about to kill his own nephew.Nope, he instead showsup to poke fun of him for wanting to burn a tree.
– Captain Phasma escaped a trash compactor to just ‘die’ in a fire.
– Someone says “Hey Admiaral Ackbar died” and everyone moved on.
– Brass tacks General Holdo apparently rules with an iron fist, pink hair and a long prom dress. Why? Because! That’s why! It makes perfect sense to someone…
But what about the ancient texts! Those important Whills that were being guarded by Chirrut Imwe in Rogue One.
“Who gives a shit!” says Yoda. They weren’t page turners, were they?

“Well, at least Luke saves the day.”

Does he? Because he literally sat by himself while the ENTIRE New Republic was decimated by Starkiller base. MILLIONS of people died. Then he waited until all of the ships of the Resistance were wiped out with the exception of a few ships that barely made it to Crait out of dumb luck.

Then on Crait he did absolutely nothing but project himself so that 12 people could escape.

He didn’t take out any bad-guy ships, he didn’t explode some walkers, HE DIDN’T EVEN GIVE LEIA REAL MILLENNIUM FALCON FUZZY DICE! They disappear.

Then for some reason, he dies on his exile planet. Because ‘not leaving the planet and doing the least amount of work he could do’ takes a lot out of you. Or maybe he decided to become a Force Ghost, WHO KNOWS?

That is how our childhood hero, the #1 Jedi of 70s and 80s kids all over the world dies. Reluctantly doing the least he could do.

You have fundamentally deconstructed everything I’ve cared about in this franchise.

You’ve made the Jedi of the prequels “foolish and vain pursuits”
You’ve made Darth Vader’s entire story arch useless by unbalancing The Force again
You Immediately got rid of all the “victories” the original characters enjoyed
You’ve destroyed the lives of all the beloved characters of the OT in their older years
Who am I rooting for if I watch the OT again?
When I watch the climax of Return of the Jedi, Luke triumphs over evil… we all just know that he will grow up to be a coward and let millions of people die.

3. Where Are they Going?

Even if Rey becomes the “New New Hope” you have one more movie to make that count.

How are you going to heal alllll this crap you’ve destroyed (6 movies, 4 decades of backstory) and also complete everyone’s story arcs in one more movie?  Think about that. They have 1 movie to patch this hole. Where is the win?

Are you going to make it so Kylo is redeemed and he and Rey live together in this weird “grey area” from now on? Who does that help? Who is even left to fix the galaxy? Kylo wants to rule it, not save it.
Nobody came to the distress calls of the Resistance. Nobody cares. Does everything just… continue?

If Rey kills Kylo, then Han and Leia died without an “actual” win for the good side and now they have a dead son who helped destroy the galaxy. That’s after Luke Skywalker failed him, left everyone, and let them die. Then he died. HOORAY STAR WARS!

How is this fun?


I just hate the idea that this is how it all went down. I hate that our childhood heroes are shamed, estranged, dead or struggling.
And don’t give me the “yeah, we that’s real life, isn’t it?” This movie has laser swords.How do I know?  Because Luke actually calls it a “laser sword.”
*sigh* Alas. R.I.P. Star Wars of my youth. I will miss you tremendously.
We’ll always have The Holiday Special.

P.S. Just remember, when you are sitting in bed tonight that Luke milked the teat of a huge space alien and angrily drank it at Rey. I’ve never seen someone drink something AT someone in a Star Wars movie.

One comment on “Andy’s Spoileriffic Review of “The Last Jedi” (Read At Your Own Risk)”

  1. Big Chris Reply

    My oldest son suggested that Luke died because he Forced too hard.

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